Let me paint you a picture. You’re walking
along, taking confident strides because you’re on a mission, in fact if you
were any more assured of your footing it’d appear to the outside world you were
strutting to some imaginary upbeat soundtrack. You’ve totes got your stuff all
worked out. And then, out of the blue, treacherously even, you stub your toe on
an uneven section of pavement, scuff inelegantly along concrete, arms leaping
into action; their instinctive but involuntarily clumsy flailing providing little
stability but a lot of attention-drawing-focus as you attempt the most
flustered I-absolutely-meant-to-do-that stumble ever.
This kind of thing happens to me all the time.
Seriously. I don’t know if I just judge myself harshly or possess some predisposition
to quick-as-a-flash-self-criticism but it’s crazy how often I feel just awkward. Feeling like I don’t fit into my
body properly (aforementioned elite pavement-plodding). Waving at someone who
it turns out I’ve never actually met and wasn’t in fact waving at me in the
first place (this happened twice within the last fortnight, not even kidding
folks!). Flashing the cute guy at Kmart my friendliest-yes-I-have-lady-parts
smile before getting back in the car and realizing with horror that I had food
in my teeth. The list goes on. Oh, and not to mention the worst; my many conversational
giraffes (their like gaffes but so much taller). Ever been in the midst of
social interaction and said or did something so awkward you just wanted to chew
your own jaw off? I do! Almost on a daily basis! Sometimes I have to clench my
fists and take deep breaths to prevent my eyes from rolling while I’m still stuck talking to the
unfortunate recipient of my face-palm moment lest they think they’re the cause.
It’s almost like these painfully cringe-worthy
moments happen so that the universe can provide us with a reality check, you
know? Like, yes Lyn, your boots make grown-up-I’ve-got-an-important-job-to-do-noises
as you walk across the courtyard but let’s not forget that this morning you
almost poured water into your porridge rather than milk. Or, okay, you want to
spread some Happy Chappy cheer and smile a greeting at random people? Fine,
just be sure you’re willing to accept the don’t-stare-and-smile-at-me-crazy-person-stranger
look in return. Trying too hard to be funny or intelligent or likeable in
conversation Lyn? Ha! Never fear! A wickedly treacherous sentence or two will
leap from your lips to ensure you look like a complete idiot. Ahhh. Cue ensuing
awkward grunts, winces and warbling noises[i].
I’m off to stab my kneecap with a fork in recollection of my awkwardisms (past,
present and future!)
[i] For a compilation of these exact
sounds, please check out this 6.15 of the linked video – Everything Wrong With Twilight in 6 Minutes or Less. A few of my
friends and I refer to making “Kristen Stewart awkward noises” and this is totally
what we’re talking about. Enjoy.
